It was a cold evening in November 2019 when I came across a TED talk by Lorie Gottlieb, a Psychotherapist and New York Times columnist. She writes a weekly column in the NYT titled Dear Therapist.

I had heard this TED talk before, but I hadn’t paid much attention to the content and hadn’t given it my full attention. However, in 2019, I was out of college and practically doing nothing in terms of my career. I was living in my parents’ home, and every day felt like a repetition – wake up, code, eat, sleep, and repeat. I found myself going nowhere and saw no hope for building a career. The only productive thing I was doing was learning to code, but I didn’t know how to make the most of it.

The TED talk came to me as a new ray of hope. In this talk, Lorie explained how we get hung up on trying to fix other people to gain control in our lives, when in reality, it’s us who need to change.

Many of us give up, believing that a particular situation can’t change because it simply can’t. Meanwhile, we desire others to change. Lorie proposes a solution: we should try to change our life story and focus on things that will make us happy, as we ourselves are the protagonists of our story and we don’t to depend on others for our happiness.

Beginning

I was in the depths of depression and hopelessness regarding the situation I had found myself in over the last four years. I had studied something I didn’t want to, learned nothing during my years in college, and hadn’t explored the things I was truly interested in. I had wasted all the time I had, and now I was stuck with very few options to explore.

In India, society typically push you to start working after graduation and there is hardly any undo buttons on the career paths. As an engineering student, I had no excuse to take a gap year to explore, because right after college, it’s a do-or-die battleground for securing a job and settling into the workforce.

Fortunately, my parents gave me time at home to figure out my life, especially my career. Despite four years of college, I still hadn’t figured out what I wanted to seriously pursue in life. So, I decided to take a year to figure things out. My mother graciously gave me that year and all her support. On the other hand, my father knew that if my plan to figure out my career didn’t work, there were always government jobs he could suggest. I despised government jobs, even though they are very respectable jobs in India. Unfortunately, those seemed to be my only options.

In short, within a year, I had to decide what I wanted to do. The options available to me were to continue studying in the same field, find a job, or start preparing for government jobs. At that time, I was almost leaning towards the third option, as it appeared to be the safest and most straightforward path. However, now I realize it would have been a grave mistake.

Inflection

On that evening, as I listened to the talk, I briskly walked in the designated walking zone created by the PWD department of Ujjain, my hometown. Taking a brisk walk was a daily ritual, a part of my efforts to engage in something productive. With undivided attention, I absorbed Lorie’s words, as I craved the motivation to move forward and discover true inspiration in life. Lorie conveyed how often when people are advised to change themselves, they dismiss the idea, believing it’s not meant for them, and relinquish thoughts of self-improvement and changing their life story.

A burning desire within me had always been to study Computer Science. Even before entering college, I was a computer enthusiast. After four years, I was finally ready to pursue CS, driven by the realization that things hadn’t turned out well. I had developed a habit of shying away from challenges, deeming them not suitable for me. Envisioning something and working towards it had become a challenge due to my tendency to give up easily and lose hope. Like many others resistant to good advice, I began saying no to opportunities and crafting excuses for avoiding action.

September 2019 marked a turning point. Attending the SciPy conference at IIT Bombay awakened something within me. I felt the absence of the excitement I had longed for in life. I had missed out on pursuing my passion for Computer Science and building things. Regret engulfed me upon returning home, and that night, I shed tears of frustration, realizing I had stumbled in my career. The yearning for change became intense – I desired to engage in pursuits I had been denying myself. The time had come to focus on the most meaningful endeavours.

Lorie’s words resonated deeply – we can edit our life as we are the protagonists of our story. In that sweaty and motivated moment, after absorbing Lorie’s message, I said to myself, “You’ve got to try this.” I committed to giving it one more shot. If I failed, it would serve as evidence to abandon my aspirations and pursue the obligatory path, perhaps a government job.

Thus, I resolved to reshape my life. Pursuing what mattered most to me – studying Computer Science – became essential for editing my life story. I needed to explore ways to pursue this passion, to essentially redo my college years, this time with a focus on computer science.

Edit

The following day, I embarked on a journey to explore options. Applying to affordable or tuition-free programs abroad was my initial strategy, mostly targeting European institutions. Unfortunately, my applications were rejected due to my lack of a previous computer science degree or relevant experience. The natural next step was considering Master’s programs in India. Pursuing a Master of Technology (MTech) after engineering is common, but studying computer science from a non-CS background presented challenges. Only top engineering schools, mainly IITs, offered computer science programs for non-CS graduates, while other institutions where my chances were higher didn’t provide this option.

No feasible options seemed available, and I confronted the reality of my blunder, seemingly un-editable. There was one final option – pursuing a Master in Computer Application (MCA). Though not an engineering program, MCA covered the same curriculum as a four-year engineering degree. This was my sole option, but it posed its own challenges. To enter reputable colleges offering the MCA program, I had to excel in entrance exams beginning three months after November, in February 2020.

Although MCA seemed attainable, pursuing it meant investing three years, extending my academic journey to my mid-20s and delaying my entry into the workforce. However, these concerns were secondary to my commitment to reshape my life’s trajectory. I resolved to prepare for the entrance exams, my biggest hurdle being that they were just six months away. Most exams required intermediate and +2 level mathematics, an area in which I struggled and admittedly disliked. Nonetheless, I decided to put in maximum effort, regardless of the outcome.

Hustle

For the first two months, I rigorously immersed myself in study. My dedication surprised even me. It was as if my subconscious was compelling me to actualize this dream. By the end of two months, I wasn’t yet prepared to pass the exams, let alone excel, and the approaching exam dates made me nervous. However, in March 2020, lockdown was imposed due to the pandemic, granting me an additional three months to prepare.

Over these extra months, combined with the original five, I poured my efforts into studying. Mock tests and exams became my routine. This was my final attempt; failure wasn’t an option.

Before my last exam, I anticipated that if I failed, I’d return to conventional pursuits, content in knowing I had given my all. On the day of that crucial exam, I acknowledged that this was my moment of truth. I approached it as if it were my last chance to pursue my dream, aware that this might be the end of my aspirations to work at a prominent tech company and study computer science. The exam centre awaited me.

Exiting the exam centre, a sense of achievement washed over me. The journey had been a success. I secured an All India Rank (AIR) of 129, opening a new path for my career.

My dreams and desires were now within reach. A second chance in my career had been granted, obviating the need for a government job. The effort had been entirely worthwhile; I was breathless with excitement. This experience not only offered me a fresh opportunity but also bolstered my confidence – I had the power to alter the course of my career.

Epilogue

Up until this point, the story is uplifting. However, what followed was the price I paid for editing my life’s narrative. Lorie’s assertion, “You are the editor of your own life,” was accurate, but indeed, editing life comes with a cost. For me, that cost was three years of my career. While those who had graduated with me in that year had worked fruitfully for 4 years and even gained a promotion in their jobs, I secured an entry-level software engineering position at the age of 25. Yet, I must admit, I love the work I do every day.

This highlights a caveat in Lori’s advice – attempting to edit your life bears consequences.